Don't Panic!!!

Hello Everyone,

Well I didn't go to my psychologist session on Saturday.  I just was NOT in the mood to "share" with someone I barely know.  He is such a lovely doctor though and I do feel bad that I didn't go.  But I am also glad that I didn't.  Apart from anything else.....I didn't have time!

Ok, the guy made things very clear for me the moment I walked in there.  My panic attacks had started to come back.  Ok if I am going to tell the story then I need to start from the top.  I don't do much by halves so I shouldn't stop now.  I think I may start with a few dates though.

29 May 1994 - My Father passed away.
29 April 2001 - My Mother passed away.
3 May 2003 - Moved out of the old house.
3 June 2003 - Dylan was born.
9 December 2006 - Got married
20 March 2008 - Joshua was born

Ok, now in the space of 16 years (if we come up to this year), those are some pretty large life changing things to happen to a girl.  And should I add....ALL without her parents to see it all?

Well, I can't say that I took it all in my stride.  I dealt with it as best I could.  When Dad died, Mum and I had only each other to rely on.  The buck ended with us.  She went to get some insurance on the house loan, but after she had had a medical, they found that she had diabetes.  Mind you, there was no history of it in her family at all.  They put it down to two things (1) Shock of losing her husband and (2) She was a candidate due to her size.  "Grief isn't enough?" said Mum "I have to contend with this kind of change now in my life?"  And so began the initial 3 hour shopping trips to make sure one got stuff that was ok for her to eat.  What has that got to do with me?  Well, I am trying to show here that she got a (insert sarcasm) LOVELY gift, diabetes, but I got one too.  Panic Attacks.  I would not wish these on anyone.  They are seriously awful. 

At the time Mum was telling me what was going on.  I didn't even remember that after her Father had died, she experienced the same thing.  Hot and cold flushes.  Feeling like you were going to keel over from a heart attack.  Mind numbing confusion and total panic.  When Dad had spoken to their local GP (this is in the late 60's), the GP said "Get her pregnant".  So stylish.  They wanted a child, so, they had me...lucky buggers LOL  But once she had me, she never had a panic attack again.  I forgot all about that when my Mum was trying to console me.  I forgot that history was repeating right in front of her. 

So we went to the doctor and I was prescribed Xanax.  The best damned band aid pill for a situation ever.  Well, that is if you like sitting in the corner, not able to form audible words with drool coming out of your mouth.  The prescribed dose didn't lend itself to a normal life, so I adjusted it.  Panic Attacks have a very distinct onset.  When that happened I would take half a tablet.  Sorted.  Enough to normalise everything and still be able to, oh I dunno...walk for example?

When I met my now husband, I still had them and was still taking the Xanax when I needed them.  They were a bit much when Mum died.  But then I became pregnant.  I remember Ross saying in the old house "Well, you won't have time for a panic attack once our baby arrives".

I'm typing this now and thinking to myself, God are we destined to repeat some aspects of our parents lives? 

Anyway, true enough, Dylan was born and I suppose due to being a Mother for the first time, or whatever, I didn't have one again.  Well, not nearly as regularly.  I can recall at least 5 years without them.  The most significance they have in their return was after Joshua was born.  They didn't happen very often and left as quickly as they came.  But they did start to come back VERY regularly in the last 3 or 4 months.

So now we come to me going to my GP and asking for Xanax.  Nope, he didn't want to give me that.  Band Aid solution.  So off I go to a psychologist.

Now I told him all this about Mum and Dad's passing.  Having children, getting married and let's not forget my personal favorite...having my tubes tied (my actual words to the surgeon before he gave me the c-section for Joshua was "while you're in there doc, let's shut up shop".  I'm a unique patient LOL).

So my psychologist asks "Right then, all very big changes and very big stresses and they deserve attention.  So when did these panic attacks start to come back?"  "About 3 or 4 months ago" says I.  "Ok, so what has happened in your life in the last 3 or 4 months.  There is one thing, of that I am certain, that has set this all off".  So I sit there having my little wee thinkey.  "Well the only thing I can really think of is that one of my Yorkies, Oliver, had to be put........".  I stopped in my tracks.  I was silent for about 30 seconds.  The doc had that knowing look on his face.  With one question, I found my trigger.  And all because of one little dog and my shitty lack of observation.  Oliver died because of my lack of observation.  I was so wrapped up in my own world, I didn't see that he was in trouble.  It ended in him being put down as he had given up and would not have survived any procedure at all.

I said to the doc "Over a dog?????"

He said "it's not so much the dog, it's the stress.  In 16 years you have gone through some life changes and they are stressful life changes.  We can all take a lot of stress, but it takes one trigger and then everything else falls apart." 

That was all I needed.  It made so much sense.  I mean by rights, even after having my tubes tied, I should have had counselling then and there.  My hormones have been stuffed since then.  And let us not talk about my lack of libido.  Just awful and that is not like me at all.

Since then, I have sat there with him and sorted some things out, but I am the one that has had the answers.  I knew what was wrong and I knew WHY these things were wrong.  So I guess, I wasn't in the mood to sit there for an hour and blah blah about stuff I already know and have confirmed.

I will go next week though.  But I can say this.  Deep breathing and meditation doesn't fix everything.  It is not the answer to it all.  I don't think we ever have all the answers.  I know I certainly do not!

Until next time......toodles :)

Hello? Is There Anyone Here?

Greetings Everyone,

Well, I figured that it might be time for a blog.  Nothing like a good old fashioned blog.  I don't know what that means, other than sharing random thoughts.  I am random LOL.

So, we are approaching the end of another year.  Another Christmas, and gawd help me, yet another birthday (the latter needs to stop - I am over getting older lol).

I just got back from Dylan's School (Quakers Hill East Primary School), having enjoyed a get together with fellow parents and the Teachers.  It was a morning tea that the school put on for those parents that help the school in some shape or form.  For myself?  I go into the class room and do reading groups.  Dylan loves it when I go in, and I shall do this for however long the school will let me.  I was there last year, and I have a sneaky suspicion that there were more at this morning than last year.  This is a good thing.  I love that so many parents are behind supporting the school that is offering their children an education.  What I don't like are those that work against the system.  I find it unsavory to be totally honest.

Last year, Dylan had Mrs Cooper as his Kindy Teacher.  She was perfect for him.  This year, he had Mrs Curkovic.  Yet another perfect teacher.  I am crossing my fingers that Dylan gets Mrs Oliver for year 2.  She is so dynamic and expressive.  I love that in a person.  She exudes confidence and I know that Dylan would benefit from that immensely.  Whoever his teacher is, Dylan will be told the same thing (and in front of the teacher) "OK Dylan, when you walk into this classroom, who is the boss".  For the last two years he has said his teachers name.  I have made sure that he understands that the teachers are there to teach him.  They are there to give him a good education.  They have a wealth of knowledge that they want to pass on to him, so he needs to listen and take in as much as he can.  He drives me nuts, but he is a good kid right at the heart of it all.  I am very hard on him, I need to ease off a bit.  But not too much that it has an adverse effect.

But I digress.  At the end of the day, what is the point of working against what ANY school or ANY teacher is trying to do?  It only sends mixed messages to the child and creates confusion.  What possible benefit would it serve to Dylan if I said "Meh, I wouldn't worry about what your teacher says".  That sends the wrong message to a child.  I think one would be better off telling the child to try and take in as much as possible, because Ladies and Gents?  Those teachers are there to educate your child.  Every child is entitled to that.  Regardless of your opinion of a teacher, let them do their job.  Try and trust that while they are in that classroom, teaching YOUR child, that THEY know what is best to teach them.

I am probably rambling.  In fact I know I am.  I have only had 3.5 hours sleep due to a sick and very loud snoring husband LOL.  Earplugs were no match for the mighty cappuccino machine from hell!!

I think for a first blog, this is a pretty good subject.  I don't know how often I will update, but I guess it is here now for me to ramble whenever I need to.

Until next time....toodleooo