Week Two - The Detox From Hell

I figured a paste of my chart might be easier :)

		KGS	3.3	CMS	4	CMS	-0.5	CMS	8	BMI
		LOST		LOST		LOST		LOST
WK	Date	Weight	Loss from last week	Waist	Loss from last week	Bust	Loss from last week	Thighs	Loss from last week	Height     (m & cm)	BMI
Start	09/01/011	159.2	0	129	0	152.5	0	177	0	1.6	62.19
1	16/01/11	155.9	3.3	125	4	153	-0.5	169	8	1.6	60.90

You can see the losses :)  Not QUITE as big as I expected in weight, but the loss off the hips is massive!!! (Oh and I had my period during this first week too ugh).

Ok, so it was the detox from hell.  I tried not to complain too much.  But the headaches were harsh this time around.  Not so much of the gurgly tummy, but maybe I might get that this week LOL.  But the biggest thing last week was the headaches.  The water was easy.  I played it smart this time.  We bought a filter.  Saving a fortune in bottled water!  We always have chilled water now and it's filtered and it's tap water.  Yes, after over 13 years, I am officially drinking more tap water than bottled water.  Ok I admit, I was tired of the endless bottles that I always ended up squashing and putting in the bin.  This has saved me a lot of trouble LOL.

Psycologically?  Ah well, not too many demons really.  Just the one we all love.  Disappointment (in ones self of course).  I really had to get to the bottom of what stuffed me up last year.  What was it that pulled the rug from under me.

Ok well, the first mistake I made last week was look at the old photos of all that weight I had lost.  I cried and very quickly had to remind myself, that I can do it again.  Then I went through my old journals.  I am so glad I wrote them.  Whereas I still have to be a little diplomatic.  I can still be honest and not hurt anyones feelings (I hope) in explaining what happened.

Firstly, you should all understand I allowed this to happen!

Ok now that we have that out of the way, and in explaining what went wrong.  Let me ask you a question.  How many of you has let someone get under your skin so much that they can have the power to ruin your fun if you let them?  Yeeeeeeeesssssssss IF you let them being the key here.  Anyone has the power to ruin your fun, the only element that can change that, is you.

I was already a little shaky in April last year.  In essence I was looking for an excuse to give up.  Being called a liar when I was telling the truth, was all that I needed.  I will not bore you with the machinations of it all.  Some of you will probably still remember from the journal I wrote on the forum I ran.  But what can you do when you have known people for so long, had a ton of fun with them for ages, shared funny stories and then they just turn on you.  With no notice.  It hurt me very deeply at the time.  The results are a gain of some 40 kgs which is devastating but even though the core of me is the same, having lost almost 60 kgs previously and having learnt by that, I am not the same.  I will not allow that to happen again.  I can't.  Things cannot be as they were.  I still talk to them, but I will always have my barrier up.  I will never let that happen again.  It is sad, but that is how it is.  I am happy where I am now and that is also, how it is.  I will always be there for them.  I hope they know that, but I cannot share what we once had.

So at this point in time, I find myself plodding along on Tony Ferguson again.  I am eating way less salad dressing than I did before. I plan on cutting down to the allowable amount.  I am almost there too.  Hubby is doing ok.  He lost about 4kgs.  I am very proud of him.  He is not big on the good foods.  He will eat it, but some of it is a struggle.  We had Pork Medallions and veggies last night.  Knowing that he would only eat that with some apple sauce, I cut up an apple and stewed it.  He had apple sauce for his pork. 

Today, I am going to be cooking up 2kgs of chicken.  We have the chicken in our salads for lunch.  I will then be making up a pile of hamburgers and freezing them.  I made some bulk sauce last night and that is in the freezer already.  I need to try and cut some corners as I do want to be able to log on in time to raid with my WoW Guild.  At the moment, it is proving hard because I am cooking more things for a meal.  But I will get around it somehow, even if it does mean less Farmville LOL

Oh and I had a Pure Blonde Low Carb Beer yesterday.  Now that wont happen a lot as I am not a big beer drinker.  But I think another mistake I made was shunning everything that I thought was not right.  Treats, which you can have twice a week.  Booze is allowable too.  I have to keep reminding myself that yes, it is about losing this weight, but it is also about not denying yourself the things you are allowed.  I will be going on Progress at some point as I do not wish to live without coffee all my life.  I love my hubby's spag bol and I am not living without that AND the pasta that comes with it forever.  I denied myself everything for 62 weeks last time.  The melt down was massive.  Maybe if I had allowed myself those things, I may well have been at goal by now.  But there is no point in crying over spilt milk (well lite milk - skim I do not do for anyone, not even Mr Ferguson!).

I might leave it there.  I will do comparison shots once a month.  In the mean time, have fun, be kind to yourself (something I should do) and those that love you!

<3 Mairwyn

Weight: 159.2 Kg

Bust: 152.5 Cm

Waist: 129 Cm

Hips: 177 Cm

Ok, so here is the song :)

My last weigh in was 2 April 2010 and in that time I have put on 40.5kgs.  I have gained 25cms on the bust, 27cms on the waist and 30cms on the hips.  16.7kgs away from putting it all on.  So, I know it is a lot, but I didn't put it all on.

It's a sad song, but it's a different song.  I don't want to hear "Oh God all that work".  I know what I have done and I don't need anyone pointing out the bloody obvious ok?  At this point in time, that is what I don't need.  Nor do I want to hear "you should have gone back on it sooner".  We can all be wise after the event.  There is no point in being a smart arse about it now.

Sorry if I am hard hitting.  I am currently unhappy with things.  Sadly, one game that I love playing, World Of Warcraft, is somewhat tainted.  I will probably be playing alts for a while until things change (if ever).  If they don't change, c'est la vie.  I know it is a game, but it's a game that I have enjoyed playing for 5 years.  I am having a hard time dealing with my fun being spoilt.

Anyway, that is it for now.  I will be doing some thinking this week.  I need to figure out what went wrong in April 2010.  So that means a little back tracking on my journal.

In the mean time, here I am again, on the eve of starting again.  It all begins tomorrow morning (Monday).  Wish me luck :)

Love

Mairwyn

The Tony Ferguson Deadline

Well it has been a little while since I've had a good blog.  I don't even know how long it will be.

Tomorrow is T-Day.  I am going to Terry White tomorrow (with my husband) and I am going back on Tony Ferguson.  Some may know this and some may not.

I know I have put on weight.  I almost shudder to think how much I have put on.  I know it's a fair bit.  I only know this because my body has been my greatest gauge.  Some aches and pains have returned and that is never a good sign.

I actually don't know how I am going to face that weigh in.  Do I hold my head up and not look?  Do I ask the consultant to not tell me?  I know I can resist the urge to look at the card.  And even if I did want to look at it, I know that if I wanted to NOT know, I would only have to give it to my husband.  He wont let me see it if I ask him.  Or, do I take the road less travelled.  Do I face the demon head on?  Do I face the damage?  Do I come home and look at my spreadsheet and tally up everything I have put on?  Do I face that damage?  Or hide from it and then when it's safe, come out.  If I was to say "Ok I don't want to know my weight until I am at the weight I was before", I would be waiting a while for that news I think LOL

My head is saying to run from it and come out when it is safe, but my heart, ah my heart that knows me best, is telling me to face the music and spend the time to soul search and figure out what went wrong.  I am not sure it will be a triumphal march this time around.  I am not sure it will be as high key as it was, but I cannot help but do something once a week and take that photo.

Ah that weekly photo.  I enjoyed that.  Seeing the differences as months went by.  Sitting here crying and then marvelling at what had been achieved.  I don't know that I will be able to resist sharing that again.  It will be a new journey after all.  What I feel this time may not be the same, and I really do want to turn it into a book at some point.  But I can't think about that now.

A lot of TF people have come and gone on my Facebook page.  TONS even.  But I know that the ones that remain are the ones that have stuck by me even in this year.  They have become friends.

So why am I doing it again?  Why?  Well simply put....I am dreadfully unhappy.  I have been for months now.  Something that I only vocally admitted to my husband a matter of weeks ago.  I had just got out of the shower and I was standing there drying myself.  I began to cry.  My husband just hugged me and he asked "what's wrong?".  I said to him "I have to change this.  I know you said you were going to come on TF with me, but with or without you, I have to get back on it in the New Year.  I can't do this anymore.  My body cannot handle it and I am so unhappy with me and how my body colours everything I do, or can't do, because of it".  Yet another big affirmation I know.  The first time, I said that I couldn't live like that anymore.  Ok it wasn't a total waste.  I proved that I can do it.  I know it can be done.  I know that it is achievable.

Even though I know it may be just a little bit harder this time (from what I have read) and even though my head is in a different place (no where near the place it was the first time around, but the right place nonetheless), I know what is possible.

More importantly, I know what is possible, when you have the right people supporting you...yes, that means you!

So who knows, I might just come clean tomorrow and tell it like it is.  Then again...............................