The Tony Ferguson Deadline

Well it has been a little while since I've had a good blog.  I don't even know how long it will be.

Tomorrow is T-Day.  I am going to Terry White tomorrow (with my husband) and I am going back on Tony Ferguson.  Some may know this and some may not.

I know I have put on weight.  I almost shudder to think how much I have put on.  I know it's a fair bit.  I only know this because my body has been my greatest gauge.  Some aches and pains have returned and that is never a good sign.

I actually don't know how I am going to face that weigh in.  Do I hold my head up and not look?  Do I ask the consultant to not tell me?  I know I can resist the urge to look at the card.  And even if I did want to look at it, I know that if I wanted to NOT know, I would only have to give it to my husband.  He wont let me see it if I ask him.  Or, do I take the road less travelled.  Do I face the demon head on?  Do I face the damage?  Do I come home and look at my spreadsheet and tally up everything I have put on?  Do I face that damage?  Or hide from it and then when it's safe, come out.  If I was to say "Ok I don't want to know my weight until I am at the weight I was before", I would be waiting a while for that news I think LOL

My head is saying to run from it and come out when it is safe, but my heart, ah my heart that knows me best, is telling me to face the music and spend the time to soul search and figure out what went wrong.  I am not sure it will be a triumphal march this time around.  I am not sure it will be as high key as it was, but I cannot help but do something once a week and take that photo.

Ah that weekly photo.  I enjoyed that.  Seeing the differences as months went by.  Sitting here crying and then marvelling at what had been achieved.  I don't know that I will be able to resist sharing that again.  It will be a new journey after all.  What I feel this time may not be the same, and I really do want to turn it into a book at some point.  But I can't think about that now.

A lot of TF people have come and gone on my Facebook page.  TONS even.  But I know that the ones that remain are the ones that have stuck by me even in this year.  They have become friends.

So why am I doing it again?  Why?  Well simply put....I am dreadfully unhappy.  I have been for months now.  Something that I only vocally admitted to my husband a matter of weeks ago.  I had just got out of the shower and I was standing there drying myself.  I began to cry.  My husband just hugged me and he asked "what's wrong?".  I said to him "I have to change this.  I know you said you were going to come on TF with me, but with or without you, I have to get back on it in the New Year.  I can't do this anymore.  My body cannot handle it and I am so unhappy with me and how my body colours everything I do, or can't do, because of it".  Yet another big affirmation I know.  The first time, I said that I couldn't live like that anymore.  Ok it wasn't a total waste.  I proved that I can do it.  I know it can be done.  I know that it is achievable.

Even though I know it may be just a little bit harder this time (from what I have read) and even though my head is in a different place (no where near the place it was the first time around, but the right place nonetheless), I know what is possible.

More importantly, I know what is possible, when you have the right people supporting you...yes, that means you!

So who knows, I might just come clean tomorrow and tell it like it is.  Then again...............................